last night

last night i reallly really needed to do my monthly finances but int he end spent barely an hour online, and even though i was struggling a bit typing as my right hand was still acting strange but better, it was quite a surprise the migraine that hit. so i had to lay down in my dark bedroom for a bit and fell asleep sooo early. this is not fun. looking forward to a weekend away with lotsa old friends and just chilling the fuck out.


today has been a strange day.
i woke up with the worst back ache ever - sharp pain in my lower left side that got worse and spread quickly, as soon as i was out of was bad when i went to bed last night but nowhere near this bad. bad enough that i missed my daughter's first singing gig in about six months which really really really sucked.

but doesn't such as bad as whatever has been happening tonight - i've intermittently had a completely numb and cold hand, that then seems to move onto my face, mouth, and tongue. i reckon i've pinched a nerve bad in my back that is influencing this - and am typing as fast as i can before the hand goes numb again.

or it could be migraine related, a minor stroke, or the start of MS...think i'll go to the doctor in the morning if not for anything else at least to get some painkillers for my back so i can sit/move!

and crochet...

Writer's Block: From beyond

If you died and became a ghost and could only haunt one place, which place would you choose, and why?

i think it would depend if i was a good ghost or a bad ghost firstly.
if i was a good ghost then i'd hang out with my daughter - ideally at her club if she had another one by them.  but bad - i would haunt my husband as he's already moody enough so what more harm could i do!


so i guess it's time for my monthly post...

...and the biggest thing that has been happening to me is that i'm actually getting littler!
i've lost 20lbs since my last post AND 6 inches off my waist.

i have also cut way down on my bellydancing as i've started physio for my hip and i realise alot of the exercises done during warm up and conditioning were actually making it worse.

so no more darkstar conditioning which was making it worse with some of the impact jumps.
and not doing any hilde fusion right how either as i want to really focus on my tribal right now and her class seemed to becoming more and more contemporary...which leaves the lovely arina and her perfect class (for me. right now).

thank you x

thank you so much to those of you that saw my last few posts below and talked to me about them, it really means alot...

...especially as i've just been feeling so used up and empty lately, which is probably why i've not been as chatty online as i used to be.  i lurk alot but don't really interact which isn't really like me.

my life the last month has been full of blondeboy not getting paid nor working, flat in disarray while he redecorates in his downtime, my birthday, my old lovely friend coming to visit, and starting a very very strict diet of 'space food' to lose weight. will hopefully have some more to post about soon.

to get me more motivated i have also been culling groups i belong to online - and have just left a lj community that has got me through some tough times - but i dont feel like i have much to add to the conversations anymore and tend to just skim all the posts, and there are so many posts that my other real friends posts seem to get lost among them - so i left, but now i feel bad and have re-joined.  i don't know what to do!


(no subject)

even more interesting discussions on sickness health and keeping in touch.
had a few drinks with a very good old friend who has also been through hell the last few years but she has come out the other end healthily and wth a newly trasplanted organ her partner donated...

...both of us talked about how when we were sick we didn't even have the energy to keep friendships going or even to ask for help or support.  if you have not been there you just don't get it. i'd watched my mom throughout her cancers, and now that i understand i have the most awesome respect for her and how she's managed.

its not just the sickness though - there are more aspects to health - mind/body that i'm understanding a bit more - way too late.

late because i now understand how hard it is to lose weight and the pain i may have caused my sister in my comments in the past.  this its due to one cutting horrid comment from the most surly woman at work.  sure, she doesn't know my history, or anything about me - but when i declined another drink at the pub the other night and said i needed to go to the gym, her reply was "why don't you just eat less".

i could have punched her and burst into tears at the same time.  she upset me so bad that i actually wanted to quit my lovely wonderful new job, just so i never have to talk to her again.  my reaction has made me realise that i need to go to OA as i have no one at all to support me in this - except my sister.
i owe her a huge apology.


thanks for the reply ladies!

is it because there are so many ways to communicate nowadays that we are expected to keep in touch more?  just curious on others' thoughts on this.

when i left the states in the 80s i kept in touch with a handful of people by post and phone.
and even wrote to others around the UK when i moved here.
i used to love writing long long lovely letters...

...but nowadays a long email is actually frowned up on by most that i know.

so do we expect quantity rather than quality nowadays?

not that it matters as i suck at all of it these days.
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i am shit

i've not written for awhile - been busy getting married to the blondeboy and changing jobs and life shit.

but something happened today that has really hit me hard and i want to write it down, not just to share it but to remember it - because we never know what the future brings.

to even write this post i need to come out though.
digitally more than anything.  i got diagnosed with hepc a few years ago.
i kept it offline as much as i could - mostly for fear of future employers googling me, but now, fuck it - i'm too old to care and if it matters to someone then they don't deserve me anyway.

so yea, i was really sick, it took the nhs months to figure out what it was, then months waiting on treatement, then luckily only six months of interferon and pills to be one of the lucky ones that made it through and cleared...but this isn't about the clearing, this is about the nine months or so i spent on my sofa, doing the bare minimum to get by and keep my job (yes i worked through it stupid me).

...and in the six worst months, how many of my friends came round to see me?


this is not counting my bonus daughter jezabel as the poor thing had to live with me durin' it all.
this does count the amazing fanny minka that made sure i had everything i needed on my worst nights and brought me wagamama to make sure i ate...and the other three?  they came over one bank holiday monday for a stitch and bitch.

other than that - my life was online.

so when a really good friend asked me to get in touch with another good friend because she was having a bad time, i was like - well...she knows where i am.

because all i could think was that i was stuck at home on the sofa sick for the best part of a year and neither of you cared enough to get in touch.

i have to admit that that time at home sick made me really rethink who my friends were...

but today has made me re-re-think.

because i am now guilty of the same thing.
because the friend that was having a hard time is now no longer with us.

and i feel like shit.

because i knew how i felt when i was sick, and i did the same thing to someone else.

i am the worst friend ever.

and i feel even shitter because the friend that asked me to get in touch took the time to come to my hen weekend a few weekends back...along with another 14 other girlfriends.

when i found out what they were planning i cried for days.

but it still doesn't count for shit tonight.

i am so sorry that i was such a shit friend.

talked to my mom a bit ago, and luckily my family are the kinda people that still believe in the hereafter, because i hope that i can say i'm sorry and make amends someday.

and i am going to be a better friend.